Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Insomnia



I listened to the rain falling softly. It was dark. The house was calm. Quiet breaths and the comfortable sounds of my home. I settled in on my belly for a sleep. I am a stomach sleeper. I tuck the blankets in, wrap myself in a blanket and basically create a cocoon of fabric for myself. Then it started. The insomnia. It has always lurked there, my whole life it has been a freaky little creeper eating away at my joy.

I know why I cannot sleep. My brain is kind of a jerk. I wish I could say that I was up worrying about the problems of the world, but usually it just wastes my time. Last night I thought about my little cocoon and then I thought about a conversation I had with a friend's husband. We had been talking about body language and he said, "...for instance, when I met you I could tell you are very closed off." He meant nothing by it as he imitated my way of kind of lifting my shoulders and crossing my arms over my middle. It troubled me when he said it three months ago, but here I was thinking about it again in the dark in the middle of the night.

I rode the wave of of insomniac thought, worrying that I come across as closed off or whatever. At some point I worried myself down another line of thought and finally drifted off to sleep.

Then Ophelia, our ancient and senile cat, started meowling (meow+howl) in the dark. I cannot express to you how loud and unsettling this sound is at night. She does it every night. Sometimes it is just once a night and others, like last night, she basically just took her cat pipes out for a spin. I was awake. Somehow the rest of the house slept on.

I tried deep breathing, thinking boring thoughts, reading boring things (often I bore myself to sleep) and none of it worked. So I just gave in and laid there in the dark listening to intermittent meowling. I was OK with it, all of it. I was OK with the senile cat, the worry, the self-doubt, the darkness, the impending exhaustion...all of it was fine. I just accepted it, how strange it all is to be a human, laying in her bed, not sleeping as the world spins round the sun.

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