Yesterday I sent my cousin in China a message about a super embarrassing professional mistake. I recovered from said mistake, but it was embarrassing enough that I don’t want to recount it here. My hope is that someday when I read back this post I will go,”Hmmm, wonder what I did?”
Anyway, I told my cousin/dear friend about the incident in full detail. She wrote back in support and kindly said it was a relief to see that I don’t always have it together. I laughed out loud when I read that response!
I have been spinning plates more than usual as of late and I feel as though I am about 14% in control of what is happening at a given moment. In fact last night I bolted awake from a dead sleep, certain I had forgotten some obligation. I ran through mental lists of commission work, classes I teach, classes the girls attend, appointments and prep for house sale, doctors appointments, lectures, meetings about lectures, friend dates, play dates, and I came up empty. I could not shake the feeling that something was left undone, but nobody has told me otherwise so I am hopeful that it is just a nagging feeling when I have so much going on.
It is weird that my cousin said that I seem to have it all together. She isn’t the first person to tell me that either. I was wondering what it is that makes me appear like I know what is going on at a given moment. Then it hit me; my natural state is basically controlled chaos. This craziness is how I do it and it is really all I know. I am not in control and I well accept and embrace the chaos.