Monday, May 7, 2012

Maybe it isn't glamorous, but I will tell you what it is

While Eric and I were on our road trip last week we had a lot of time to talk in the car. Conversation flowed easily, as always. While we were headed back to the land where we spent our teen years we couldn't help but reflect on where life had taken us and where we had thought it would take us.

When I envisioned my thirties, way back when I was a teenager, I think I imagined myself to be living quite the glamorous life. I imagined homes abroad, gallery openings, art making, benefits, wine tasting, brilliant (world changing) conversations with my spouse and our circle of friends. When I imagined motherhood I mostly just assumed that it would be equally glamorous, that I would be the coolest mother ever. I guess what I am saying is that I didn't really have a good picture of my future when I was a teenager. I pretty much just assumed I'd be super sophisticated---even if I couldn't define precisely what that would mean for me.

I can assure you that my thirties are everything but glamorous and all of that sophistication I had imagined seem pretty empty. How could I have imagined that would be enough for a girl like me. I hadn't had the scope or maturity to really imagine the little moments, the glue of my life, that would make it fulfilling in a way that my teen imaginings could never have envisioned.

Maybe my life isn't glamorous, but I will tell you what it is.

My life is about giving, even when I have little left to give. This weekend I spent my late late nights, the ones that I had imagined to be spent sipping wine on the coast of some foreign country, on my back porch as Bumblebee struggled with a bladder infection. Somehow, through the exhaustion I knew that was where I was supposed to be, sharing the situation with my amazing husband.

My life is spent marveling at the body slamming movements of a very active baby as I realized that life is on the cusp of some new and exciting change.

My life is about cleaning, cooking, working and most of all it is about my family.

My life is not sophisticated in any way and sophistication doesn't even have any real appeal for me any more.

My life involves a lot of laughter, mostly at incredibly juvenile jokes.


My life is about watching as my girl talks to her sister, still in my belly, as the morning sun slants in through the curtains.

My life hasn't involved a single glass of wine for many months. I have pink lemonade and decaf soy lattes.

My life is rarely about watching an artsy foreign film. Instead we opt for cheesy horror or perhaps a documentary after putting Cordelia to bed, but I regularly nod off toward then end, exhausted from a very active and very full day.

I have come to realize, in my grand wisdom of 31 years, that there are times when I am that lady who goes to gallery openings, travels, has moments of brilliance, but the real me is something much more nuanced. I am so very thankful that my teenage notions were not my adult reality.

How is your life different/the same as you imagined when you were a teenager?


Susan Struck said...

Your life is exactly what many wish for as it is filled with loving and peaceful relationships, work that brings a sense of fulfillment and lots of creativity.

Anonymous said...

I am now almost 1/2 century old (48)and I haven't been the truck driver girl of my teenage dreams. I haven't been the model, actress, and singer that I thought I would have been.
But my life now is what I made it, through hard work, sweat and tears. It's not glamorous by any means, but I am enjoying life as is.

Victoria said...

Ohhhh, but you ARE sophisticated Maria, you ARE!! ....INCLUDING what YOU said... xoxoxoxoxo

AS for me...I resigned myself to the limited imagining of me with four kids married and living in Alaska with my high school beau. My life has also been rich with friends, family and experiences impossible to imagine at much for the teenage brain!

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