Parenting: Sleep

I couldn't resist this old photo of Elise.

Recently my friend Anne, a new mother, posted an article on whether or not to let children cry it out with regard to the issue of sleep. I read through the article which was very much against letting young children cry it out. The author went through a short phase where she tried the cry it out method and she felt as though she had done irreparable damage to her son. She felt there was something quite wrong with letting a child cry it out.

The article led me to think about the book I read while waiting for Elise to be born, Bringing Up Bebe. The book was based on an American woman's experiences raising children in France: specifically the differences in parenting styles. She felt that the French were onto something, with very young babies learning to sleep through the night. They would let them cry it out. *She also talked about how French parents get their children to eat like adults among other things.

The reason this is on my mind right now is because Eric and I are at the end of a rather long chapter in our parenting adventure. Unlike the authors of the two articles I believe that each family should assess and employ the methods that work best for their situation and I don't think that there is a one size fits all approach. I have had only two children and my experience does not cover the scope required to make a broad proclamation on the subject. I can however, share with you what we have done and how it has impacted us as we parent.

The first night we brought Cordelia home from the hospital we were utterly exhausted. I had slept very little in over forty eight hours. I had just given birth AND I had lost enough blood that I was pretty darn anemic. Needless to say I was past the point of being tired. I was at a point of exhaustion where I could barely even think a thought, any thought. Eric was also very tired as he had been awake through much of that process. So we were thrilled when we swaddled our little baby and laid her sleeping peacefully in her crib, which we had in our room. We crawled into bed, ready to pass out...when she started crying. We tried everything, but that little girl wanted to be held and no wonder as she had been held in a warm and comfy environment until birth.  Eventually I ended up propped in the most uncomfortable position, one that I felt couldn't allow her to flop, slip, suffocate, drop, etc. and I closed my eyes and drifted off. Never-mind the killer kink in my neck or the painful dead arms. I just needed sleep. We tried several different techniques with that child, but was most effective was when she was a bit older and I felt we could safely co-sleep with her. It was only then that sleep came to me. Over the course of time we established routines that were pretty nutty and looking back I smile at those poor desperate parents.

With Elise we were a bit more prepared. When she was first born we used a little rocker that I kept next to my side of the bed. She co-slept when she was a bit bigger and then we started a long transition to her own bed. First it was just about getting her to fall asleep in her toddler bed. When that was under control we started to lengthen the amount of time she would spend in there, but eventually she would end up in our bed sometime before morning and that was fine for a while. Recently though it was time to finish the process.

Personally I just cannot let my children cry it out, it just goes against every instinct that I possess. I want my children to know that their parents will always come when they need them, that is just how it is for Eric and I. With that said, we also want to foster independence---and we want a little space too. So the gradual transition for us was about telling Elise that she too would be spending the night in her own bed. She was not happy at first. She woke up a lot, crying, for a few days. I would give it just a moment to see if she would be able to calm herself, but not so long that she felt panic, or woke her sister. I would wander in and give her a little comfort, sitting with her until she drifted off. Then, she started waking up less and feeling less panic when she did wake. Now, we are in a good space. She sleeps the night in her room and if she does wake she calls quietly to me and asks to go to the bathroom, get a drink, or just have a quick snuggle. Then she goes back to sleep and I go back to my bed and sleep too.  Now, most mornings start with the girls climbing to snuggle in bed and that is a great way to start the day, after a night with everyone in their own bed.

I guess the reason I am putting this out there is to offer a little middle ground. We did do some co-sleeping, near sleeping, etc....and we didn't let our kids cry it out. We also didn't let our kids take over and create a family bed. We don't have kids who are unable to put themselves to sleep or comfort themselves, but we also have kids who know that their parents will always be there. I have no idea what worked for you and I am not offering a judgment. I am simply sharing the process that we stumbled upon. So , if you are looking for ideas, here is another. And that's my two cents.

Why I Stayed Home

 

Recently my friend Amber, a new mother, asked me if I had ever blogged about my choice to be a stay at home mother. I don't believe that I have ever discussed that tough choice here and now seems like as good a time as any. So let's dive in shall we?

When Eric and I decided it was time to start a family  we had to address some major issues.

1) Would we both work?

2) Would someone stay home wih our hold/children? If so who?

3) How did we feel about day care?

Well, after lots of conversation we decided that we really wanted one of us to stay home with our kids. For us it was important to be present, to raise our children ourselves. We didn't really care who stayed home with the kids, could've been either of us, but Eric was presented with the most promising job opportunity at just the right time, so I became the stay at home.

Now before I continue I must take a moment to say that I mean no disrespect to people who have made different choices. I know many amazing parents who chose or needed daycare. 

Eric and I decided that we were willing to sacrifice a lot in order to stay home for a few formative years. I am a degree holder and I have the ability to pull in a pretty nice income. The sacrifice of a second income is hard. When I was pregnant with our first child Eric took a job in a different community and when we first started out things were extremely tight. We budgeted. My weekly grocery run was less than $75, including diapers (no I didn't coupon). We had one car and tried to fill up as infrequently as possible. We didn't pay for haircuts or new clothes. We shopped second hand. We made it work, barely.

Eric quickly raised in the ranks at his work and his salary increased enough that we didn't have a panic attack with each new bill that arrived. We have, over time, learned to live quite simply---but that is probably for another post.

Yes, we have opted out of a second income for a few years, but the benefit is that we have gotten is the gift of being present for our girls. A true gift to be sure. I have been with them all day every day. Yes, sometimes it is totally crazy and so challenging, but the rewards, for us at least, far outweigh any negatives. I have gotten to be there for first words, steps, laughs, all of it. I get to wipe their tears, snuggle them, put them to sleep. We are able to consistently parent in the manner that Eric and I feel is best for our children.

With that said I have kept a foot in the professional world. I don't want to let myself become totally irrelevant as a professional. I also don't want my brain to shrivel up and rattle around in my skull. So I have found ways to continue to work. I teach. I do some freelance writing. I make and sell art. I This helps me to feel like I am contributing financially, like I am not entirely dependent on my husband, etc. I also want to be a role model for my girls. I want them to see that I work, that I am not helpless, or only a mother. I take motherhood very seriously, but part of that is showing my children how to be strong and independent.

Ultimately it is a totally personal choice. For us it seemed a small sacrifice in the grand scheme of things.

A Girlie Girl Rant

My friend Sarah wrote a thoughtful post on how we talk to girls. Read here. She got me thinking, well I am always thinking about the subject, but now I want to post something in the same vein.

People often assume that Elise is a "tomboy" because Cordelia is so "girlie." I am not really sure why people think there has to be some sort of balance, but more than that I can't really understand why people think that girls have to be one way or the other. Actually I am annoyed with everyone, myself included, for using the term "girlie girl." What's that mean anyway? I know people assume it means pink and kitten cuddles and rainbows, but I have never known a truly "girlie girl". Or "tomboy" does that mean no pink and dirty hands and tree climbing? Both of my children are all of those things.Speaking of which why don't we say boylie boy?

Anyway, I am speaking from the lofty peak of experience. I am, in fact, a girl. I am raising two girls. I have ladies all around me, it's a regular estrogen-fest up in here, excepting my husband who is so cool that he doesn't need to worry about some sort of testosterone balance. So, now that my creds are all out on the table let's continue.

I am troubled that we live in a world that tries to put people into categories. Yes, I do understand that it does help us to better comprehend our world when we can deal in larger groups rather than seeing each person as an individual, that is exhausting. So we lump people into labels of likeness. I think I first noticed it in high school (preps, jocks, freaks, etc.) and throughout life it continues. There are races, religions, genders, fans, and so on---it is very helpful in a general sense to think about people as belonging to a particular group, but it can be harmful too and I see it clearly now that I am a parent.

I see it when I try to explain things like how Native Americans were treated by early settlers. Cordelia wants to know if she is part of the good group or the bad group.

I see it when I try to explain that our best friends share a different faith. Cordelia has questions, wants to know if there is a right or wrong, because children see things in black and white.

I see it when I explain veganism to Cordelia.

I see it every day. The labels we create are at first rather helpful in sorting out the stew of humanity, but it comes at a cost.

Cordelia is "girlie" people tell her that. What is that doing to her mind? Will she not feel strong or hard or brave? She is all of those things and to put her into a category at such an early age seems detrimental to her growth. 

What will it mean to Elise if people call her a "tomboy" all the time. Will she not feel beautiful or soft or feminine? She can be all of those things as well.

I don't really know where I am going with this, beyond saying that I am going to try my hardest not to categorize children and let them just be the people they are meant to be, multifaceted and unique.

What are your thoughts?

Innocence

 

Lately I have been thinking a lot about preserving the innocence of my children. Eric and I consider it to be one of our most important duties as parents-- to let our children grow up as children, not too fast. This manifests itself in many ways and it feels like we are always trying to protect them from ink in the water, it just seems impossible to do, but we must try. Naturally we protect them from inappropriate media and try to shelter them from it in daily life. Often this means that we cannot watch the news with children around. I learned this the hard way when Cordelia happened to pass by the TV, when I was watching the morning weather forecast, and she saw that there had been a tornado in another state. That evening the high winds terrified her as she thought a tornado was bearing down on our home. I can't imagine what would've happened if she'd passed by a news story about a violent crime!

The protection doesn't stop there, I've also had to ask people to please watch their mouths around little ones ( Yes, I know it is an individual's right, I ask as a personal courtesy). Many people shrug and accept my request, but I get the sense that they're thinking, "Your kid is gonna here these words." They are right, of course, but I don't want that for them now. I want to keep them in a bubble of safety, an illusion for sure, until they are bigger and more able to navigate this beautiful and terrible world in which we live. While Eric and I are ever vigilant it is not just directed at violence, obscenity, etc., it's also from little things.

For instance, yesterday we were at the mall and Cordelia asked me to define the word fat, no idea where she heard the word. I realized that she didn't know what fat was. I was happy that for at least four years this little girl has been completely oblivious. She has no body issues and she has no issues with any body. If only that could last!



We were at the store recently and the girls were interacting with a child of a different race. I wondered for a moment if there would be any questions about skin color. I must make note here that we unfortunately live in a community with almost zero diversity (unless you consider different types of European ancestry diverse). While we expose them to different races in other ways (dolls, media) you just never know. Anyway, none of the children seemed to register that they were of a different race.

We also worry about these girls maturing too quickly. Obviously we have all seen the news stories about this subject, but it is easy to see the big picture and miss the small ways that it infiltrates our lives. For instance, I was looking for a swimsuit  for one of the girls last year and I had the hardest time finding something that wasn't a two piece. I am not offering a judgment about the way you dress your kid, but for Eric and I, we have decided to promote modesty for as long as possible. I am also limiting the toys, dolls, videos, etc. that don't align themselves with our beliefs. You know, with all of the spare time we have...

Finally, I don't want the girls to worry too much. We shield them from any discussion that might give them undue worry. I don't want Cordelia to overhear a discussion about our student loans and translate that into something that makes her feel insecure about her home and life. So Eric and I try to limit discussions that could potentially be taken in by little ears and translated into something frightening. We keep any adult discussions for adult ears only.

Additionally, we try to limit their understanding of certain things that they might hear or see in daily life. We discuss things like homelessness, world hunger, etc., but we try to keep it to a degree that doesn't leave them feeling helpless or unable to impact change. We recently packed boxes for children in need and we discussed, in vague terms, that there are people less fortunate than us. I didn't go into details that would leave them feeling hopeless. I want them to feel empowered. I do want the girls to be empathetic toward others, but I certainly limit the amount of information that they receive. Obviously the vegan issue is a great way to highlight this point; we do tell her the basic facts about our vegan beliefs, but we don't discuss the horrors of the slaughterhouse or anything .

So, basically this was just a rambling post, but I would love to hear how you have worked to protect your children's innocence.

Project: A Gown for the Ball (Bonus WY Rose discount)

A few days ago Cordelia made this drawing

I am sure you can tell what it is, but let me just explain. Pinkie Pie, the My Little Pony, is wearing a dress designed by Cordelia. You see Cordelia was trying her hand at design and who was I to tell her no when she asked if we could make the dress.

We took a trip to Hobby Lobby and she chose something that isn't quite fabric, but not quite paper either. I decided we could probably work with it.


The gown is really just a rectangle with ties


Cordelia drew a flower for embellishment


She glued it on





Together we made a gown for Pinkie Pie. Cordelia drew, cut with grown up scissors, used a needle and thread, glued, all of it. Together we assembled something that passes as a dress (and a fancy hat "because there's gonna be rain at the ball"). The end result was a very happy girl who made a drawing come to life, or to three dimensions, I hope those ponies aren't alive....or we are all doomed.

BONUS
My mother and I decided to offer a discount that is available only to the readers of our blogs.

If you are making a purchase at Wyoming Rose Boutique use the coupon code:

ROSIE

This code will automatically give you a 15% discount on any of our items, 

including the brand new ones.  

Maybe you will find some good ideas for Christmas Gifts!

Parenting

Last night, after the girls were soundly sleeping, Eric and I found ourselves discussing the ins and outs of parenting. We took time to assess our recent parenting strategies and responses to a variety of parenting issues that come up over the course of a day.



We were each able to note areas that we could improve as parents.



We discussed strategies for dealing with the occasional  tantrum, focusing on triggers and techniques for diffusing the situation.



We talked about how hard it is to feel as though we can never give enough of ourselves to both of our children.



For a bit we were being pretty hard on ourselves. We asked ourselves questions like, "How could I have handled that situation differently?" or, "Am I giving each child enough        fill in the blank          (discipline, guidance,opportunity to learn, play time, independent time, etc.)."



Then we realized that these are the issues that most parents struggle with on a regular basis. I cannot express how challenging it is to find a prefect balance and that balance is so amorphous that it can change hourly.



 Ultimately we reminded ourselves that the one thing that all good parents have in common is that they are constantly trying to be better parents.


Oh and I cut some bangs, aka fringe.

Who Will She Be?

We are deep in the baby fog here. Who knows what day or time it is and who even cares? Mercifully Elise has been a good sleeper so far and we have been able to keep a fairly normal routine for Cordelia. However, the days are still running together and there is a strange sensation that time is moving forward with greater speed than usual while simultaneously creeping at a snail's pace.



Our days have been mellow. Eric is still home from work and that has been wonderful as well. I wish we were independently wealthy and could just hang out as a family forever; work never interfering with our time together.




The three of us have been looking at the newest member of our family and wondering just who this little lady is. Cordelia assures me that they will soon laugh until their bellies hurt. She has big plans for play and friendship. Eric and I wonder what kind of a person she will be.




More than anything I just hope for both of my girls that they live happy and fulfilled lives. I hope that I can help to facilitate that as a parent, that I can help my daughters to find joy, creativity, beauty, love and faith in the world. No pressure.

Sometimes

Sometimes being a parent means teaching your kids things that you will probably regret teaching them later.









Sometimes that is the best part of parenting.

String Theory

Other title options for this blog post: Stringing You Along, C String, String (Soy)Cheese, Spinning a Yarn, String Happy Birthday with Me, Yarn You Glad I Threw a Party, The Stringle Life, Strings 'N Things, Strings in Numbers

You know, as a mother, there are days when I just focus on getting things done. Cordelia and I run errands and work on learning, and playing, but I don't really dive into the experience of imaginative play. Now I think it is extremely important that Cordelia uses her imagination on her own and learns to play independently. I don't think I need, or want, to hover over her for every moment of the day. However, I try and remind myself to keep a good balance and sometimes it is important to just let my responsibilities and plans fall to the wayside as I let myself play with my girl.

Case in point----recently Cordelia was playing with a tiny remnant of yarn from a crochet project. I watched as she sat on the chair, talking with her piece of yarn and here is the gist of the conversation...

Cordelia: Hi String how are you?
String: I'm sad.
Cordelia; Don't be sad.
String: OK, it's my birthday.
Cordelia: Happy Birthday! Mom wanna sing happy birthday?

And just like that I found myself throwing a birthday party for the string. I let Cordelia guide the play, not really imagining where it would go. We invited the guests


Light blue string was the first to arrive


Red and yellow yarn seemed to be something of a couple; they wanted to share a place at the table.


Cordelia chose her own outfit: A "Party Hat", striped pants, flower dress, and you are seeing things correctly...the blue coat is still around.



We set up the tea service

Cordelia made imaginary cupcakes as I sliced up some vegan cheese and fruit for her to munch on.





We sang happy birthday a couple of times and it was fun and funny. I'd say the whole event lasted 30 minutes, but it was good. So weird and so fun. What a kooky girl I have. I love seeing the strange adventures she takes us on. What does the future hold with this character I seem to be raising?

What to do with a toddler when you are stuck indoors all day.

When I imagined being a mother who got to stay home with my child I am not really sure what I imagined. I suppose it was a reel of imagined highlights. I thought about decorating for the holidays, making craft projects, taking long walks, etc. Of course we do all of those things, but there is a lot of time in between that I hadn't considered.

I had to learn how to go through a day in a manner that was fulfilling and challenging for both of us. During the summer months this was easy. We'd just spend our days out in the back yard, but during the long winter months our outdoor time has been severely restricted.





So I have had to come up with ways to keep us both going through the day. Here is how we generally spend our time:

• Reading. I pepper the entire day, morning through night with books. We check them out from the library as well. I can't tell you how important it is for me to find good quality books for her, keeps it interesting for me as well. Currently she is loving: Pinkalicious, the Toot and Puddle series, I Love You Stinky Face, and many more. Do you have any recommendations?
• We clean the house. She is happy to take her little broom and help me clean. I take the time to give her little jobs to do on her own and together we slowly clean up the house.
• We play with puzzles. I recently found a stack of puzzles at a thrift store and they have really become a fun thing for her to do. Usually this will buy me a little time to read or do my own thing...ten minutes here and there can make all of the difference for me.
• We do yoga together.
  
• We work on counting, her ABCs or whatever type of learning she seems interested in on a given day.
• She is now at a place where she will spend some time on her own playing. Usually she does her own things for a bit and then she will find me to have a tea party or whatever she wants to do.
• Nap time! I use this time for my job. I grade papers, prepare lessons, answer emails, etc.
• After her nap she likes a good snuggle and I certainly don't mind that either.
  
• Snacks and lunch are ways to spend the day. When she is ready to eat I have her help me prepare snacks and lunch. I find little jobs for her, like throwing apple cores in the garbage, that keep her engaged in the process. I also have a little step ladder that I pull out when I am preparing food. She just likes to watch the process.
• We take Bumblebee for a walk. When the weather is bad this will be a quick trip around the block, but if the weather permits we will go a couple of miles (she rides in the stroller). We stop to inspect interesting things and talk as we go. Usually she ends up with a cool stick or a rock.
• We do something crafty like drawing, painting, playing with clay, etc.
• We invent games.
• We dance to music.

How do you entertain the toddlers in your life?

Letting Go in Increments and **Bonus

Last night, after dinner, we took a family hike alongside Garden Creek. The sun was gentle under the green canopy, only a few lines of soft yellow light made it through the matrix of heavy leaves to the ground. There were wildflowers everywhere. Humming birds were zipping above us. A soft breeze kept the perfumed air moving over our skin in a gentle current, it was really an extraordinary evening.

I held my daughter's tiny hand in my own as we walked along. I felt each of her tiny digits flexing and wiggling in excitement when she would spot something interesting. Her purple fabric shoes were covered in dust from her staggering toddler gait along the rocky trail. Her golden curls bouncing with each step. She would pull my hand saying,"Cooome on Mom," as she looked up with those imploring blue eyes, rimmed with her daddy's dark lashes. Sometimes she would become inexplicably timid and she would turn to me quickly. I would pick her up and she would bury her head in my shoulder, tucking her arms under mine. Oh the feeling of being a mother.

We stopped alongside the creek so she could throw rocks in (a favorite activity of any self-respecting child). We threw in things that floated and things that sunk. Then, she just decided that she wanted to walk straight into the creek. I held her back for a moment, just a moment. The water was only a couple of inches deep and after a spilt second decision I let her go to explore just out of my reach.

I don't know, maybe I am just one of those overly sentimental types (maybe or definitely?), but I couldn't help but think of how many times I am going to have to let her go, just a little bit more each time. How important it is that I never hold her back or push her too hard (no pressure right?) as she faces her future.

She played and splashed, talking to us as she did her own thing. I watched with joy as she discovered the water, the life under the water and had her own beautiful experience with nature. While a part of me aches that I have to let her go I am so grateful that it is happening in increments. I am just so thankful to watch this girl become whoever it is that she is going to be.

***Also, may I direct your attention to a new photo blog...Eric's. Please check out We Dug Trenches (wedugtrenches.tumblr.com). He is posting a photo a day. If you like today's photos (he took them all) or just good photography in general, then check it out. I love that it is just one photo, but it really suggests a larger narrative. Please check it out!!!

Listen Close to Me

Listen to the Mustn'ts , child, listen to the Don'ts.
Listen to the Shouldn'ts , the Impossibles, the Wont's.
Listen to the Never Haves, then listen close to me.
Anything can happen, child, Anything can be.
-Shel Silverstein